Dear Otea:

My teen is coming out and wants their room to reflect their identity. They love bold patterns and bright colors—but I’m overwhelmed. How do we design something supportive and expressive?

Cara Mia:

I acknowledge your overwhelm. This being who came from your body is beginning to head out on their very own way, in so many ways.

Start by remembering that whatever they’re craving—color and pattern collisions that might test your sensibility—are actually the party streamers celebrating their love that has chosen to let you in. Yes, you were once the whole of their shelter. But now, you are becoming an honored guest in this heart of a house that must be big and bold enough to house you both.

Begin by bringing a few pieces into their bedroom that are deeply shared. A soft toy won together at a carnival when your child was still in your arms and against your chest. An artifact given by an ancestor who’s now in the beyond, beyond you both. Anchor your teen’s space in a few of these shared relics. Hold them close and tell their story to one another, in your own tones.

Give them the parameters of a budget for their space. Perhaps some guidance on basic furniture pieces. Let them earn some of the elements in their own way—saving to make more of their room more of theirs. And then, my dear, you’ll need to give up the control of curation and let them show you how they need to live.

Let the designs that emerge shock and surprise and maybe even offend you. Ask your changing child what they see when they look upon these treasures. Let this time and their touch on your shared home be a revelation. Like the witness to any great work of art, widen the walls with your willingness to find beauty in any place they are trusting enough to show it to you.

You don’t have to let them re-design the entirety of the house beyond their bedroom. But I encourage you to see how you could give certain elements in the common areas a double touch together, layering your beauty with their beauty like a thick collage. An animal-print frame they choose on a landscape painting you’ve selected. A shade in the same family you originally envisioned that trends a few tones deeper in their chest.

They will be gone from this space of yours very soon. Remember the impassioned marks of your own teenaging self—pressed into notebooks and carved into trees. The stakes are as high, if not higher, as they were when you were where they are now.

This world will meet them with all too many moments of washed-out and watered-down and sometimes worse. So, let them get a running start.

And let them pave that runway in every last shocking color of the rainbow. Because in the darker nights that may come, the brightness of those glorious streamers will be the living light by which you’ll both follow.

Un abbraccio forte,

Otea